The Best Mechanic In All the Land

THE BEST MECHANIC IN ALL THE LAND

A play by Todd Holloman

Act 1, Scene 1

(A diner in western Kentucky...two men are seated at a table drinking coffee)

Abner: Well, I had to take the car* to the shop yesterday, Delbert.

Delbert: Did you now? Take it to our favorite mechanic*?

Abner: Yessiree! You know, I think my favorite thing about him is how much he absolutely hates cars.

Delbert: That's the mark of a good mechanic. Hates cars. Hates his job. But still wants a job fixing cars.

Abner: You said it, pardner! I love how everytime I take my car to him, the first thing he does is get a sledgehammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of it.

Delbert: Hell yeah! And then he whips out a pocket knife and slashes the tires!

Abner: USA! USA! Sorry, but it makes me proud to be an American when he goes to whuppin' up on my vehicle like that! But that's nothing compared to him grabbing his flamethrower and torching that car until it's a burning pile of smoldering rubble.

Delbert: And don't forget how much he praises Jesus while he's burnin' it down.

Abner: Why, it just brings a tear to your eye. When I look at the ash pile that used to be my car, I thank the Lord that my mechanic made it great again.

Delbert: And don't forget, by keepin' that mechanic in business, you're gonna make abortion illegal and keep transexuals from using the bathroom with your kids! Not sure how that works, but he's a good Christian mechanic, so I don't ask any questions. I just keep going back to him again and again.

Abner: Man, it's great being white, ain't it?

Delbert: You said it, brother!

THE END

*for the metaphorically challenged:

car=our government

mechanic=Republican presidential candidate of your choice or Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin

Ted Cruz Campaign Slogans

Snake-oil-made-flesh-turned-lubricious-smarm-monster Ted Cruz won the Iowa caucus, so I took it upon myself to write some new campaign slogans for him (I'm available to freelance for your campaign, too, whether national, state, local, or if your kid is running for student government at the high school):

“Ted Cruz 2016: Cruzing backward to Levitical Law!”

“Jesus wants me to be President! (I'm referring to my 2^nd cousin Jesus Rodriguez, but I'm sure the other Jesus agrees. He hasn't gotten back to me, yet, but any day now...) Cruz 2016!

“Because America needs a leader who isn't afraid to speak the truth about the radicals who are the true enemy: the gays. Ted Cruz 2016!”

“I'll stop the killing of innocents in the Middle East by carpet-bombing them until there's no one left to kill! TED!”

“Yes we can...be even more unlikable and creepy! CRUUUUUZ!”

“I promise to make America a Christian nation, based on the Biblical principles of giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy, taking away food and healthcare from the poor, forcing my beliefs into the law, the classroom, and the vagina, and bringing death and destruction to the rest of the world, just like Jesus did! (...the Son of God Jesus, not my 2^nd cousin Jesus. That guy volunteers occasionally at a soup kitchen. Fucking weirdo.) Vote Cruz!

Collateral Damage

I heard a conservative radio commentator telling a heart-wrenching story about a mass grave of children found in Iraq. The children had been murdered by ISIS. The commentator began an impassioned plea for ISIS to be taken out and wiped off the face of the Earth by the United States. I think anyone with an ounce of humanity left in them would love for ISIS to longer exist. However, the commentator (some people refer to him as "the Great One," including himself, although I am unaware of the source of this greatness) then, in the midst of his diatribe, said, "Who cares if there's collateral damage?!" So, put simply, his argument was: ISIS is killing children, so the Untied States should bomb anywhere ISIS might be back to the stone age even if children get killed in the process. Seems to me, children lose (their lives) either way you go with that argument. Call me crazy, but I bet the mothers and fathers of those children don't give a fuck whether their children were shot by ISIS or blown to bits by America. They would rather their kids still be breathing, I'm sure. But, hey, maybe if a child is blown up in the Middle East by America, a pony rides down out of the clouds on the back of a bald eagle and gives the kid a never-ending bag of cotton candy made out of freedom.

Another Day, Another Shooting

Think about all the things you're looking forward to. I have a lot of those things. I'm looking forward to getting off work today and seeing my beautiful wife, Adrian and playing with Rigby and Ed (our cats). I'm thinking about dinner tonight and what we'll watch on TV. I can't wait to fall asleep in my bed tonight with my wife at my side. I want to see the new “Star Wars” movie. I'm looking forward to seeing my family this Xmas. I have a stand-up show coming up next week. Adrian and I talk about what we'll name our kids when we decide to become parents. The list is infinite. I'm sure your list is as well. For every victim of gun violence in this country, every one of those things they were looking forward to were wiped out in a split second by a bullet. That's it. Done. Finished. Brain activity ceased. Your hopes and dreams leaking out with the blood pouring out of a bullet hole. There are endless ways to die, of course. We take a chance every time we leave our homes. We're not even 100% safe inside our homes. We accept a certain level of risk to be members of a society and to live our lives to the fullest. There are few things as efficient at cutting those lives short as guns, though. Why do you think they're called “assault” rifles? A terrorist is not going to walk into a theater or a school and murder 20 people with a knife or a spoon. But, hey, there's always a chance there could be a couple of “good guys” with guns on the scene, right? Maybe they'll shoot back. Maybe it'll be just like the movies. Maybe private citizens with concealed-carry permits who have never been under fire or in a combat situation will stay calm and cool while everyone else around them panics. Maybe they will magically transform into Chuck Norris. Question: Once the police arrive on the scene, at what point does the carnage freeze so the cops can discern the “good guys” from the “bad guys?” Eat more=lose weight. More gas=less fire. More alcohol=more sober. More traffic=less traffic accidents. More guns=less gun violence. It all makes perfect sense. It's ironic that people who want to change our laws to protect the life of a fetus, refuse to even discuss changing a law that could help protect their own children by making it harder for someone to get an assault rifle. If you think mass shooting after mass shooting is the price of freedom, then we have to disagree, because I find it hard to believe that the vision the founders had for this country was for private civilians to constantly be targets under continuous gunfire. Exactly what kind of fucking happiness are we pursuing here? Back to all those things you and me and everyone else in this country is looking forward to. I'm willing to bet if you or me were to be shot right now, those would be the things we would be thinking about as the life drained out of our bodies: all the things we'll miss and family and friends and pets that we'll never see on this planet again. Lots of things would flash through our minds in those last, painful, and tragic moments of life...and I can guarantee you that one of those things would NOT be the 2nd fucking amendment.

No Answers

I don't have any answers. None. Zero. Zip. A big fat goose egg.

I know a couple of things that are NOT the answer.

One of those things is more war. More bombing. More death.

You don't cure cancer with more cancer. If someone has lymphoma...leukemia isn't the cure.

The other thing that is not an answer...and this is the one that will cause the most controversy...is your beliefs.

Your chosen faith. The religious beliefs that you profess....will not stop the killing.

I am not trying to belittle your faith. I know that it is a source of comfort for you. I know that it is how you identify yourself to the rest of the world. I know it's a reservoir of strength that you draw from on a regular basis with others who share the same faith. It is a special and wonderful thing.

But it is a personal thing. It is unique to you and those you worship with.

I have friends who are Christian, Muslim, Hindu. Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist, and followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I respect them all. I love them all. But none of their beliefs or lack of beliefs will stop the killing. It works for you. Great! But if you think the way we stop the killing is for the rest of the world to worship the same god that you do, then you are almost heart-breakingly naive.

Now, if I may switch gears...I have a question.

Why do the terrorists hate us?

I don't have an answer for that, either, but I have an idea. And it's not, "They hate our freedom." What does that even mean? 

The reasons they hate us are many and complex.

But, I'm pretty sure that one reason they hate us has nothing to do with "our freedom" and everything to do with the fact that we, America, are the country that sends flying death robots to reign fire down from the sky. A fire that murders their children. And if you think that our drone strikes, which are carried out with our tax dollars so that the blood on our hands is evenly distributed, ONLY kill the targeted terrorists, then you have been suckered. Just a few weeks ago, we, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, bombed a Doctors Without Borders hospital, killing everyone inside and the response from our military was, basically, "Oops! Sorry we fucked up."

At this point, there may be a mother reading this who is thinking to herself, "Why should I care what happens to those people over there? My son, my daughter, died in that desert hell hole fighting for our country. Why would I ever care about those people or what happens to them?"

And my response to that is...you have ever right to feel that way. I cannot imagine how intense the sadness is or how profound your loss.

But...

Are we so calloused that we can pretend that the Muslim mother who lost her child because of our actions has lost any less or doesn't grieve just as intensely?

Like I said at the beginning, I don't have any answers. I spend most of my time telling dick jokes. You don't have to listen to me. 

But...

I have a question that I think is worth asking.

It's this:

What if...somehow...the American mother who lost her child to war in the Middle East, could...somehow...connect with the Muslim mother who lost her child to a U.S. drone strike?

What if they could connect and come to the realization that, even though they are from different cultures and have different religious beliefs, that they, in fact, as mothers who love their children, have more in common with EACH OTHER, than with the people in power who wage these wars?

What if that happened over and over again?

What would our world look like then?

I don't have the answer, but I think the question is worth asking.

Because, after all, there are more of us, the ones who feel powerless, than there are those who are in power.

I don't have any answers.

But, as long as I have the breath...

I'm not going to stop asking questions.

Why?

Because if we don't have life...what do we have?

Dad, Can I Borrow a Few Shillings?

I've always thought that one of the best ways to study history is to read the actual words of the people who inhabit the past, such as letters, journals, etc. I once got into an online debate with a gentleman who was defending Christopher Columbus and his eponymous holiday. I was arguing that Columbus was one of the worst humans in a history full of worst humans.

The other gentleman was having none of it.

He asked, “How do you know that for sure?”

“Because we have his diaries. He didn't try to hide his murderous, raperous, and generally horriferous ways!”

His response stuns me to this day...

“Well, THEY SAY those are his diaries.”

Ah, yes, the mysterious “they.”

“They” are always saying “something” that the willfully ignorant among us can use to shut down any meaningful dialogue that we “smart asses” try to have. It's almost as if they perceive intelligence as something we aquire for the sole purpose of contradicting them or making them look foolish or to set their brains abuzz with a big ol' swarm of the cognitive dissonance.

In truth, that's only PART of the reason us “smart asses” like to get smarter.

Earlier today, I read a letter at http://colonialnorthamerican.library.harvard.edu/

written by one James Otis, Jr. He was a lawyer in colonial Massachusetts who coined the phrase “taxation without representation is tyranny” back before we went to war with the British.

The letter was one that a college-age James wrote to his father because...

wait for it...

he wanted his dad to send him money. He needed 15 shillings for belt buckles, 15 shillings to print his thesis (at Ye Olde Houfe of Kinko, I'm assuming), and some extra for “any manner of entertainment” after commencement at Harvard (translation: ale and weed).

That's right, the man who would go on to write words that are still uttered today (usually by Tea Party types who want to burn our entire government down, but still) was a normal college student who hit his old man up when he was strapped for cash.

Reading the actual words of historical figures humanizes them and shows us how little the human condition changes over the centuries. I'll take what the real people said over what “They” say any day. (I'm really sorry that last part rhymed.)

The Conservative Beattitudes

Matthew 5 :
The Conservative Beatitudes
He said:
3 “Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (and Earth ).
4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted ( as long as that mourning doesn't involve mourning over the victims of gun violence by even mentioning guns ).
5 Blessed are the meek, as long as they pull themselves up by their boot straps, even if they are too poor to even afford boots, much less fancy boots with straps.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled, because it's easier and more cost efficient to fill them with righteousness instead of food, because you can eat prayers, right?
7 Blessed are the merciful, as long as their mercy is aimed at the right people. And gay couples wanting to get married are NOT the right people.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will not need expensive medical procedures, because healthcare is a privilege NOT a right ( especially for those lazy "meek" assholes I mentioned earlier ).
9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God...GOTCHA! Haha! I'm kidding...BOMB EVERYONE! And if innocent civilians get in the way, remember: YOU'RE AMERICAN and that makes it okay ( Look, I realize you guys don't know what America is, because it's a country that's going to be founded in the future, but trust me, it's going to be GREAT! Me and Moses are even going to write their Constitution! )
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness...and their whiteness, because white Christians in that future America place I just told you about are going to be the most historically persecuted people in history. No, seriously, they're going to have to deal with people who believe differently than they do and say evil, satanic things like "Happy Holidays!" It's cool, though, my Father adds another wing to the mansion-in-heaven of every white person who shares a meme ridiculing poor minorities on welfare or votes for people like Matt Bevin in my name ...for theirs is the white American Christian kingdom of heaven.