The Conservative Beattitudes

Matthew 5 :
The Conservative Beatitudes
He said:
3 “Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (and Earth ).
4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted ( as long as that mourning doesn't involve mourning over the victims of gun violence by even mentioning guns ).
5 Blessed are the meek, as long as they pull themselves up by their boot straps, even if they are too poor to even afford boots, much less fancy boots with straps.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled, because it's easier and more cost efficient to fill them with righteousness instead of food, because you can eat prayers, right?
7 Blessed are the merciful, as long as their mercy is aimed at the right people. And gay couples wanting to get married are NOT the right people.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will not need expensive medical procedures, because healthcare is a privilege NOT a right ( especially for those lazy "meek" assholes I mentioned earlier ).
9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God...GOTCHA! Haha! I'm kidding...BOMB EVERYONE! And if innocent civilians get in the way, remember: YOU'RE AMERICAN and that makes it okay ( Look, I realize you guys don't know what America is, because it's a country that's going to be founded in the future, but trust me, it's going to be GREAT! Me and Moses are even going to write their Constitution! )
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness...and their whiteness, because white Christians in that future America place I just told you about are going to be the most historically persecuted people in history. No, seriously, they're going to have to deal with people who believe differently than they do and say evil, satanic things like "Happy Holidays!" It's cool, though, my Father adds another wing to the mansion-in-heaven of every white person who shares a meme ridiculing poor minorities on welfare or votes for people like Matt Bevin in my name ...for theirs is the white American Christian kingdom of heaven.