The Best Mechanic In All the Land

THE BEST MECHANIC IN ALL THE LAND

A play by Todd Holloman

Act 1, Scene 1

(A diner in western Kentucky...two men are seated at a table drinking coffee)

Abner: Well, I had to take the car* to the shop yesterday, Delbert.

Delbert: Did you now? Take it to our favorite mechanic*?

Abner: Yessiree! You know, I think my favorite thing about him is how much he absolutely hates cars.

Delbert: That's the mark of a good mechanic. Hates cars. Hates his job. But still wants a job fixing cars.

Abner: You said it, pardner! I love how everytime I take my car to him, the first thing he does is get a sledgehammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of it.

Delbert: Hell yeah! And then he whips out a pocket knife and slashes the tires!

Abner: USA! USA! Sorry, but it makes me proud to be an American when he goes to whuppin' up on my vehicle like that! But that's nothing compared to him grabbing his flamethrower and torching that car until it's a burning pile of smoldering rubble.

Delbert: And don't forget how much he praises Jesus while he's burnin' it down.

Abner: Why, it just brings a tear to your eye. When I look at the ash pile that used to be my car, I thank the Lord that my mechanic made it great again.

Delbert: And don't forget, by keepin' that mechanic in business, you're gonna make abortion illegal and keep transexuals from using the bathroom with your kids! Not sure how that works, but he's a good Christian mechanic, so I don't ask any questions. I just keep going back to him again and again.

Abner: Man, it's great being white, ain't it?

Delbert: You said it, brother!

THE END

*for the metaphorically challenged:

car=our government

mechanic=Republican presidential candidate of your choice or Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin