Ted Cruz Campaign Slogans

Snake-oil-made-flesh-turned-lubricious-smarm-monster Ted Cruz won the Iowa caucus, so I took it upon myself to write some new campaign slogans for him (I'm available to freelance for your campaign, too, whether national, state, local, or if your kid is running for student government at the high school):

“Ted Cruz 2016: Cruzing backward to Levitical Law!”

“Jesus wants me to be President! (I'm referring to my 2^nd cousin Jesus Rodriguez, but I'm sure the other Jesus agrees. He hasn't gotten back to me, yet, but any day now...) Cruz 2016!

“Because America needs a leader who isn't afraid to speak the truth about the radicals who are the true enemy: the gays. Ted Cruz 2016!”

“I'll stop the killing of innocents in the Middle East by carpet-bombing them until there's no one left to kill! TED!”

“Yes we can...be even more unlikable and creepy! CRUUUUUZ!”

“I promise to make America a Christian nation, based on the Biblical principles of giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy, taking away food and healthcare from the poor, forcing my beliefs into the law, the classroom, and the vagina, and bringing death and destruction to the rest of the world, just like Jesus did! (...the Son of God Jesus, not my 2^nd cousin Jesus. That guy volunteers occasionally at a soup kitchen. Fucking weirdo.) Vote Cruz!