Another Day, Another Shooting

Think about all the things you're looking forward to. I have a lot of those things. I'm looking forward to getting off work today and seeing my beautiful wife, Adrian and playing with Rigby and Ed (our cats). I'm thinking about dinner tonight and what we'll watch on TV. I can't wait to fall asleep in my bed tonight with my wife at my side. I want to see the new “Star Wars” movie. I'm looking forward to seeing my family this Xmas. I have a stand-up show coming up next week. Adrian and I talk about what we'll name our kids when we decide to become parents. The list is infinite. I'm sure your list is as well. For every victim of gun violence in this country, every one of those things they were looking forward to were wiped out in a split second by a bullet. That's it. Done. Finished. Brain activity ceased. Your hopes and dreams leaking out with the blood pouring out of a bullet hole. There are endless ways to die, of course. We take a chance every time we leave our homes. We're not even 100% safe inside our homes. We accept a certain level of risk to be members of a society and to live our lives to the fullest. There are few things as efficient at cutting those lives short as guns, though. Why do you think they're called “assault” rifles? A terrorist is not going to walk into a theater or a school and murder 20 people with a knife or a spoon. But, hey, there's always a chance there could be a couple of “good guys” with guns on the scene, right? Maybe they'll shoot back. Maybe it'll be just like the movies. Maybe private citizens with concealed-carry permits who have never been under fire or in a combat situation will stay calm and cool while everyone else around them panics. Maybe they will magically transform into Chuck Norris. Question: Once the police arrive on the scene, at what point does the carnage freeze so the cops can discern the “good guys” from the “bad guys?” Eat more=lose weight. More gas=less fire. More alcohol=more sober. More traffic=less traffic accidents. More guns=less gun violence. It all makes perfect sense. It's ironic that people who want to change our laws to protect the life of a fetus, refuse to even discuss changing a law that could help protect their own children by making it harder for someone to get an assault rifle. If you think mass shooting after mass shooting is the price of freedom, then we have to disagree, because I find it hard to believe that the vision the founders had for this country was for private civilians to constantly be targets under continuous gunfire. Exactly what kind of fucking happiness are we pursuing here? Back to all those things you and me and everyone else in this country is looking forward to. I'm willing to bet if you or me were to be shot right now, those would be the things we would be thinking about as the life drained out of our bodies: all the things we'll miss and family and friends and pets that we'll never see on this planet again. Lots of things would flash through our minds in those last, painful, and tragic moments of life...and I can guarantee you that one of those things would NOT be the 2nd fucking amendment.

No Answers

I don't have any answers. None. Zero. Zip. A big fat goose egg.

I know a couple of things that are NOT the answer.

One of those things is more war. More bombing. More death.

You don't cure cancer with more cancer. If someone has lymphoma...leukemia isn't the cure.

The other thing that is not an answer...and this is the one that will cause the most controversy...is your beliefs.

Your chosen faith. The religious beliefs that you profess....will not stop the killing.

I am not trying to belittle your faith. I know that it is a source of comfort for you. I know that it is how you identify yourself to the rest of the world. I know it's a reservoir of strength that you draw from on a regular basis with others who share the same faith. It is a special and wonderful thing.

But it is a personal thing. It is unique to you and those you worship with.

I have friends who are Christian, Muslim, Hindu. Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist, and followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I respect them all. I love them all. But none of their beliefs or lack of beliefs will stop the killing. It works for you. Great! But if you think the way we stop the killing is for the rest of the world to worship the same god that you do, then you are almost heart-breakingly naive.

Now, if I may switch gears...I have a question.

Why do the terrorists hate us?

I don't have an answer for that, either, but I have an idea. And it's not, "They hate our freedom." What does that even mean? 

The reasons they hate us are many and complex.

But, I'm pretty sure that one reason they hate us has nothing to do with "our freedom" and everything to do with the fact that we, America, are the country that sends flying death robots to reign fire down from the sky. A fire that murders their children. And if you think that our drone strikes, which are carried out with our tax dollars so that the blood on our hands is evenly distributed, ONLY kill the targeted terrorists, then you have been suckered. Just a few weeks ago, we, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, bombed a Doctors Without Borders hospital, killing everyone inside and the response from our military was, basically, "Oops! Sorry we fucked up."

At this point, there may be a mother reading this who is thinking to herself, "Why should I care what happens to those people over there? My son, my daughter, died in that desert hell hole fighting for our country. Why would I ever care about those people or what happens to them?"

And my response to that is...you have ever right to feel that way. I cannot imagine how intense the sadness is or how profound your loss.

But...

Are we so calloused that we can pretend that the Muslim mother who lost her child because of our actions has lost any less or doesn't grieve just as intensely?

Like I said at the beginning, I don't have any answers. I spend most of my time telling dick jokes. You don't have to listen to me. 

But...

I have a question that I think is worth asking.

It's this:

What if...somehow...the American mother who lost her child to war in the Middle East, could...somehow...connect with the Muslim mother who lost her child to a U.S. drone strike?

What if they could connect and come to the realization that, even though they are from different cultures and have different religious beliefs, that they, in fact, as mothers who love their children, have more in common with EACH OTHER, than with the people in power who wage these wars?

What if that happened over and over again?

What would our world look like then?

I don't have the answer, but I think the question is worth asking.

Because, after all, there are more of us, the ones who feel powerless, than there are those who are in power.

I don't have any answers.

But, as long as I have the breath...

I'm not going to stop asking questions.

Why?

Because if we don't have life...what do we have?

Dad, Can I Borrow a Few Shillings?

I've always thought that one of the best ways to study history is to read the actual words of the people who inhabit the past, such as letters, journals, etc. I once got into an online debate with a gentleman who was defending Christopher Columbus and his eponymous holiday. I was arguing that Columbus was one of the worst humans in a history full of worst humans.

The other gentleman was having none of it.

He asked, “How do you know that for sure?”

“Because we have his diaries. He didn't try to hide his murderous, raperous, and generally horriferous ways!”

His response stuns me to this day...

“Well, THEY SAY those are his diaries.”

Ah, yes, the mysterious “they.”

“They” are always saying “something” that the willfully ignorant among us can use to shut down any meaningful dialogue that we “smart asses” try to have. It's almost as if they perceive intelligence as something we aquire for the sole purpose of contradicting them or making them look foolish or to set their brains abuzz with a big ol' swarm of the cognitive dissonance.

In truth, that's only PART of the reason us “smart asses” like to get smarter.

Earlier today, I read a letter at http://colonialnorthamerican.library.harvard.edu/

written by one James Otis, Jr. He was a lawyer in colonial Massachusetts who coined the phrase “taxation without representation is tyranny” back before we went to war with the British.

The letter was one that a college-age James wrote to his father because...

wait for it...

he wanted his dad to send him money. He needed 15 shillings for belt buckles, 15 shillings to print his thesis (at Ye Olde Houfe of Kinko, I'm assuming), and some extra for “any manner of entertainment” after commencement at Harvard (translation: ale and weed).

That's right, the man who would go on to write words that are still uttered today (usually by Tea Party types who want to burn our entire government down, but still) was a normal college student who hit his old man up when he was strapped for cash.

Reading the actual words of historical figures humanizes them and shows us how little the human condition changes over the centuries. I'll take what the real people said over what “They” say any day. (I'm really sorry that last part rhymed.)

The Conservative Beattitudes

Matthew 5 :
The Conservative Beatitudes
He said:
3 “Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (and Earth ).
4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted ( as long as that mourning doesn't involve mourning over the victims of gun violence by even mentioning guns ).
5 Blessed are the meek, as long as they pull themselves up by their boot straps, even if they are too poor to even afford boots, much less fancy boots with straps.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled, because it's easier and more cost efficient to fill them with righteousness instead of food, because you can eat prayers, right?
7 Blessed are the merciful, as long as their mercy is aimed at the right people. And gay couples wanting to get married are NOT the right people.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will not need expensive medical procedures, because healthcare is a privilege NOT a right ( especially for those lazy "meek" assholes I mentioned earlier ).
9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God...GOTCHA! Haha! I'm kidding...BOMB EVERYONE! And if innocent civilians get in the way, remember: YOU'RE AMERICAN and that makes it okay ( Look, I realize you guys don't know what America is, because it's a country that's going to be founded in the future, but trust me, it's going to be GREAT! Me and Moses are even going to write their Constitution! )
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness...and their whiteness, because white Christians in that future America place I just told you about are going to be the most historically persecuted people in history. No, seriously, they're going to have to deal with people who believe differently than they do and say evil, satanic things like "Happy Holidays!" It's cool, though, my Father adds another wing to the mansion-in-heaven of every white person who shares a meme ridiculing poor minorities on welfare or votes for people like Matt Bevin in my name ...for theirs is the white American Christian kingdom of heaven.

The Politically Correct Paradox

Let's talk about political correctness. It's been on my mind, lately. It seems to me that accusations hurled at someone for being PC have become, like Samuel Johnson said of patriotism, the last refuge of a scoundrel.
Let me explain. There is a difference between "being PC" and "simple human decency." Context and intent mean something (and if you don't know their meanings, look them up now. There are a bazillion online dictionaries. Not knowing what a word means in this day and age is inexcusable). Is a person using music or a painting or a novel or jokes to make a point ABOUT offensive things and enlighten their audience or is a person actually saying offensive things to bully others or to inflict pain upon an entire group of people and to encourage others to do the same?
Amy Shumer tells a funny joke ABOUT how people view Hispanic men and some people lose their shit and scream "RACISM."
Donald Trump says the majority of Mexicans coming across the border are rapists and some people cheer and think he would make a good president.
Now, I would say that the people who made those accusations against Shumer are "being too PC." There is a community of folks on the far left that are just as censorious and humorless as the those on the far right. The flip-side of this is, if you accuse Trump of racism, he and his supporters will counter with the same "too PC" argument.
And this is where we are. We have taken something (PC) which started out as "Hey, show a little decency and sensitivity" and turned it into, on left, "Hey, you can't even TALK about that," and, on the right, "Hey, I'm gonna say whatever I want and if someone calls 'bullshit' I'm gonna shut them down by calling them PC."
What started out as a way to talk about and treat other with dignity and respect has turned into white people asking why they can't say ni**er anymore and being held up as champions of the First Amendment.
If you say offensive things for the sake of being offensive, you're not a rebel. You're an asshole. And throwing out the whole, "I'm just telling it like it is and if you don't like it you're just a politically correct wuss," does NOT insulate you from criticism or build a wall around you that deflects people from calling you on your bullshit.
You are free to say whatever you want. You are not free from the consequences of that speech. Artists control the things they create, but they can't control the audience's reaction to their creation. As a comedian, I like to see how far I can go with a joke, without completely losing my audience and having them turn on me. It's like walking through the Fire Swamp. Sometimes, I'm gonna get burned (its always your own fault if you get offended, though [joke]). At the end of the day, though, shouldn't we all be more offended by what's really happening in the world around us, instead of by the people who comment on those things through art? Shouldn't we hold the people who want to lead our country to a higher standard than a comic telling dick jokes to a roomful of people drunk on half-price margaritas?

It's Complicated

Life is complex.

The above sentence scares the shit out of some people. Oh, sure, there are simple things contained within life's complexities. As I'm typing this, Ed, the newest feline member of our family is right on the other side of the laptop, doing flips while trying to catch her tail. It is absolutely simple and absolutely great (and a pretty good metaphor for what writers spend most of their time doing). People want simple solutions, simple answers, simple entertainment. By the way, that last sentence totally explains why Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire.

 There are many things in life that are definitely NOT simple, although people try to force simplicity upon them. That's where we get into trouble. That's where cognitive dissonance takes hold. Cognitive dissonance is defined as the mental stress or discomfort felt by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. Put simply, it's feeling the enjoyment that comes from smoking a cigarette, while at the same time knowing that it's bad for you and can eventually kill you. It's also a great way to explain Young Earth Creationism. Folks don't want to take the time or use the brain power it takes to reconcile their sincerely held belief in Biblical truth with hundreds of years of contradictory scientific study, evidence, and facts. It's easier to buy a ticket to the Creation Museum and believe penguins from Antarctica made the trek to the Middle East at the behest of a 900-year-old drunk before the great flood, kangaroos floated on logs to Australia after the flood, and Jesus rode a dinosaur. And if you want to believe that...fine. However, to quote Neil Degrasse Tyson, "I don't have an issue with what you do in the church, but I'm going to be up in your face if you're going to knock on my science classroom and tell me they've got to teach what you're teaching in your Sunday school. Because that's when we're going to fight."

We look at our increasingly complex world and want to apply the simplest solutions. Immigration can be solved with a wall. More guns=less crime. Putting the Bible in schools will magically solve all the problems facing young people (personally, I think we need to give the Bible a chance to stop all the molestation in the church, before we start passing them out during homeroom). Teen pregnancy? Teach abstinence exclusively. Remember when Bristol Palin toured schools across the country as an advocate for abstinence WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT OUT OF WEDLOCK? What a hoot. Teaching "abstinence only" to teenagers is like standing in front of millions of years of evolution (or 6,000 for you creationists) and instinct and our species' built in desire to procreate and puberty and hormones and the availability of Marvin Gaye's music (fuck you, I'm old) and saying...don't.

We want simple solutions to the increasing divide between the wealthy and everyone else in this country. Let's see...your tax money is going to pay for roads in Afghanistan, to pay for drones that indiscriminately murder, not only their targets, but anyone who just happens to be near them, even children, to pay back the massive debt we owe to Japan and China, to pay the six trillion, T-R-I-L-L-I-O-N, dollar price tag for our war in Iraq, to buy the weapons that we sold in the Middle East to our "allies" that are now in the hands of ISIS, to pick up the slack from the tax breaks we give to the wealthiest people, to fund the bailout of the banks that tanked forty percent of the world's wealth (and not one person went to jail over this), to pay our representatives, OUR representatives in OUR government, who bend over to suck the dicks of the aforementioned wealthiest, faster than any prostitute in the history of sucking dicks and leave their asses stuck in OUR faces...but, hey, let's get pissed off about that poor person who gets government assistance or food stamps, because I CAN SEE THEM AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO BUY FOOD IN FRONT OF ME AND THEY HAVE A CAR AND THEY HAVE A CELL PHONE AND THEY ARE A PERFECT WAY FOR ME TO AVOID LOOKING AT THE REAL PROBLEMS IN THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE HATRED IS EASY AND SIMPLE AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR THEM MY LIFE WOULD INSTANTLY GET BETTER AND A RAINBOW WOULD SHOOT OUT OF MY ASS AND I'D RIDE A UNICORN RIGHT UP THAT MULTI-COLORED ARCHWAY TO HEAVEN AND RIDE A DINOSAUR WITH JESUS!

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah, life is complex. Appreciate the simple pleasures in life. Just don't expect them to solve all of our problems.