Giant Tubs of Peanut Butter: A Post for My Mammy

Giant tubs of peanut butter. I’m trying to memorialize my grandmother, Kathy Holloman, (“Kitten” to some, “Rose” to my Grandad, “Mammy” to her grandkids. She didn’t have a middle name, so all the pet names made up for that) and all I can think about are these giant, food-service size tubs of peanut that she and my Grandad would bring me when I was in college at WKU. I was a theatre major and they never missed a I play in which I was cast (even a play called “Pvt. Wars” where I had to show my naked ass on stage. She said I was too skinny). Mammy, being a grandmother, always worried that I wasn’t eating. Of course, I wasn’t. I was a college student. I spent my money on cigarettes and beer and the occasional cup of coffee and slice of pie at Murray’s diner. So, whenever they came to Bowling Green, they would bring me a giant tub of peanut butter so I “didn’t go hungry.” To this day, when I need comfort, I will get a jar of peanut butter and eat it with a spoon. Mammy’s house became a popular destination for some of my college friends, because food. Dear lord, THE FOOD. An average weekend home from school would find a couple of pizzas, burgers, BBQ, bacon and eggs, banana pudding, coconut cake, and any number of sides and all of it prepared because, “I didn’t know what y’all would be in the mood for.” It’s at this point where things might get disjointed, because that’s how my mind is right now as I write this. Mammy’s oldest son, Bobby Holloman, my Dad, died at the age of 24 in 1975. I was five and my sister, Brandy, was eighteen months old. As a result, we were very close to Mammy. We would spend just about every weekend with her and Grandad. We went on a few vacations with them to Mammoth Cave or to spend a few days in a cottage at Kentucky Lake. One time, we were headed to St. Louis for a trip and I was torn, because there was a movie playing at the Capitol Cinema in Princeton that I really wanted to see. We were about 50 or so miles down the road when I pronounced that this movie was more important to me than St. Louis. Grandad turned the car around, we drove back to Princeton and went to the movies that night. I don’t remember what movie it was. It may have been Star Wars. Mammy played board games with me. She and Grandad taught me how to play Poker, Rummy, Black Jack, and Rook. When I was older, I lived with them off and on, when things would get tough. The woman loved Christmas. Nothing made her happier than a house full of family. I get a lot of my sense of humor from Grandad and it was honed and practiced on Mammy. There were many head shakes and eye rolls thrown at me and Grandad over the years. She was old school and would not leave the house unless her hair was done and she was made up. She loved to shop. There were times when we would ask how she was feeling and would tell us she wasn’t feeling that great and we would tell her that’s too bad, because we were going to go shopping and she would immediately respond with, “Well, let me get ready.” She lived long enough to see me get married, which was something I had been assuring her for years would never happen. She loved her grandkids. As long as she was able, she was at every play, show, recital, graduation, and court date. That last one was a joke. It’s going to be very weird on this planet without her on it, too. I lost my maternal grandmother, Mammaw, about eight months ago. This Christmas will be the first without both of my grandmothers. Considering that I’m 46, it’s remarkable that I got this many years with them both. I won the grandma lottery. We buried Mammy yesterday. She was laid to rest right next to my Dad. Everyone who knew her will miss her. She was 87. If she had lived just a little bit longer, she and Grandad would have been married 68 years. He and the rest of us were lucky to have her for so long.

I'm Done

I’m in a dark place today and I’m done. I’m writing this for myself and for others who feel the same way and no one else. I’m done debating gun control. If, by some miracle, there is ever legislation to support, I will support it, but after reading comments and reactions to the worst mass shooting in US history, I’ve decided that debating the issue on social media is pointless. If you should read this and disagree with anything I’m about to say, please take this as your invitation to move on. I know I can’t change your mind. Any comments that are designed to get a rise out of me or start a debate with me or any of my friends will be deleted. I’m done. You see, I’ve had a revelation and it’s this: You could take the NRA and all of the people who oppose ANY kind of restrictions on access to guns of ANY kind and throw them into a pool filled with the blood of every victim of gun violence in this country and shove their faces in the guts of the children who have been cut down by bullets fired from assault rifles that were designed for WAR and they would emerge, still stinking of death and gore, screaming about GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS or MENTAL HEALTH or PROTECTION FROM THE GOVERNMENT or, my new personal favorite, CRIMINALS WILL STILL GET THEM ON THE BLACK MARKET! (Oh really, middle class white person? Please share with me your vast knowledge of the criminal underworld and its inner workings. What? Do you think you’re “woke” because you’ve seen all the “Taken” movies?) They would explain, as they toweled off the blood and brains and chunks of dead flesh, how they are the true patriots and love this country more than anyone else and it’s the libtards that are ruining it and how Obama still has a few months left to snatch up all the guns. The 2^nd Amendment and money are the great golden calves that are worshipped in America. Sure, other amendments have been amended due to changing times and morals, but not that 2^nd one. I mean, why do we even need all those other pussy amendments anyway? Especially when the people for whom the 2^nd is the end all-be all are usually the people who favor some restrictions on speech, voting rights, and really, really wish that the government would just go ahead and declare Christianity as our national religion. These are some of the same people who are the first to defend law enforcement, but will wish death upon police officers who suggest that we need some kind of gun control, because the cops are tired of knocking on doors with AR-15’s on the other side. “Sorry you got shot, Officer, but even having a reasonable conversation about gun control is too much of a burden for me to bear.” So, I’m done. There can be no reasonable debate where there is no reason. As I said before, the people who oppose any kind of gun legislation see themselves as patriots. They see themselves as warriors, fighting a war for freedom. But, what kind of war is fought by people in air-conditioned houses, sitting and typing frantically on a laptop, while the victims of their “war” are innocent citizens who are out on the town just having fun…or at school…or at church…or at work? That’s not a war. That’s a group of privileged motherfuckers who would rather risk the lives of their fellow citizens, than change a law that might inconvenience them. You think the barest minimum of gun control is insane? Fine. I think that's inhuman. I don’t understand it. I can't fathom it. I’m done debating it. 
I am done.

Produced, Arranged, Composed, and Performed by Prince

The first Prince song I remember hearing was “Jack U Off.” I’m sure I had heard “I Wanna Be Your Lover” before that, but Prince wasn’t on my radar at the time. A friend of mine in middle school had it on a cassette. “You gotta hear this song about jacking off!” I was at the age where jacking off loomed large in my life, so I did indeed need to hear it. I will confess there was a bit of confusion when I heard the song. He wasn’t singing about jacking himself off. He was jacking someone else off. Now, at that age (12 maybe), my views and experience with sexuality were extremely limited. It was all boobs, masturbation and the occasional French kiss at the movies or middle school dance. When Prince sang, “I’ll Jack YOU off,” I thought he had to be referring to man, because lady parts didn’t come equipped with something to jack. It was exciting, thrilling, dirty, and a bit disturbing. I had to hear more.

I got more...a lot more...when “1999” was released the following year. It's hard to explain what a seismic shift that album caused. This was 1982 in the midst of the Cold War. There was this new cable channel called MTV that showed nothing but these things called “music videos.” Cursing and foul language were not commonplace in pop music. If you wanted to hear the word “fuck” you listened to Richard Pryor comedy albums or watched R-rated movies. Don't get me wrong, there were tons of pop songs that were about fucking. They just didn't say “fucking.” Prince came right out and said, “I want 2 fuck u.” That was from “Let's Pretend We're Married” and me and my friends lost our shit over that song. Another gem from that song, “...I sincerely wanna fuck the taste out of ur mouth. Can u relate?” We couldn't relate, of course, but goddamnit we wanted to.

Apart from the most brazenly sexual lyrics I had ever heard in my short life, “1999” was a political statement. It asked the question, “Mommy, why does everybody have a bomb?” The answer? “I don't know, so shut up and dance.” During those days, we all lived with the knowledge that the entire world could blow up at any second. And here was this bad-ass motherfucker, who dressed like he came straight out of the court of Louis the XIV (and who had previously rocked bikini underwear and thigh-high boots, but more on that later), telling everybody that the only way to face the pending apocalypse was to dance and fuck our asses off and if we didn't know how to do that, just listen to this record and if, by the end, you still didn't know how, then you're a double drag fool and there ain't no hope for you. Also, there was a giant dick right there on the album cover.

After “1999,” I went back and got “Controversy” and “Dirty Mind.” The former has “Jack U off.” The latter is one of Prince’s best. It’s pop, funk, soul, R&B, rock and roll, and punk, all in the service of anti-war anthems, songs about individuality, “When You Were Mine” one of the greatest break-up songs ever, and sordid tales of giving a bride-to-be head on her wedding day and incest with your sister that would make a Lannister blush. This was also the album cover that featured Prince in the aforementioned bikinis, etc. I had a poster of that iteration of the Purple One on my wall, which, I’m sure, led my mother to wonder if I may be a little confused sexually. In reality, I was just a straight white boy who had found a new hero. A hero who was slowly making my world larger and more interesting.

This is probably a good time to reveal that previous to Prince, the edgiest thing I had ever listened to was rock band/comic book heroes/multi-media corporation Kiss. In my grade school years of the 70’s, I was more apt to be found listening to the “Grease” soundtrack, the “Star Wars” soundtrack, and, for some ungodly reason (ahem…white boy), Andy Gibb’s “Shadow Dancing.” I grew up in a small town in Kentucky and didn’t have access to Creem magazine and had no idea about the cool music being made in New York City and London. The Ramones and The Clash would have to wait until my world got a little larger. Prince was one of the main catalysts for the broadening of my horizons. He became a star at the same time as I was going through puberty. Trust me when I tell you that going through all the confusion and terror that comes with puberty was much more exciting with Prince playing in the background.

In 1984, the world turned completely purple with the release of the movie and album “Purple Rain.” The album is one of the best ever made. The movie has its share of problems, amateurish acting, misogyny, and did I mention misogyny? The musical performances, however, are some of the most exciting ever captured on celluloid and it has lots of Morris Day, which is never a bad thing. It was a massive hit at the time. There’s really not another rock and roll movie like it. It wasn’t an Elvis movie. It wasn’t “A Hard Day’s Night.” It’s “like father, like son” dynamic is simplistic (father beats mother, son beats girlfriend), but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t truth in the narrative and the final performance of “Purple Rain/I Would Die 4 U/Baby I’m a Star” is just fucking brilliant. It was a brave choice of subject matter for a rock star’s first film (can you imagine Michael Jackson doing anything similar?) and it paid off. On a personal level, as a kid who was prone to (undiagnosed at the time) depression, seeing my favorite singer in a film where he imagines his own suicide and not only survives, but triumphs, was damn near a religious experience and one that I would revisit again and again whenever the thought of killing myself would rear it’s ugly, selfish head.

“Around the World in a Day” confused the hell out of everybody when it came out. Mainly, because most people wanted “Purple Rain II” and not this baroque-while-simultaneously-psychedelic masterpiece. It’s one of my favorites.

Next up was “Parade.” It was the soundtrack to the film “Under the Cherry Moon,” which was written and directed by Prince himself (and about which the less said the better). “Parade,” the album, is Prince’s “Sgt. Pepper.” No two songs on the album are alike. Each one a brilliant reminder that the writer/performer is a genius.

Then came an album that is, start to finish, a two record set that belongs on any list of the greatest albums ever made and proving, yet again, that if there’s a room full of bad-ass motherfuckers and Prince is in that room, he would be the baddest-ass, funkiest motherfucker of them all. I’m talking about “Sign O’ the Times.” It’s art that you can dance to. It covers multiple genres of music with Prince singing in multiple voices. I defy anyone to stand or sit still when “Housequake” is playing. Ever wonder what a children’s album written by Prince would sound like? Based on “Starfish and Coffee,” it would rival Dr. Seuss. Do me a favor. Go listen to “The Ballad of Dorothy Parker” right now and come back to this. Done? Good. That song sounds like nothing that came before or that has come since. It’s new wave, pop, jazz, and lyrics that read like a tone poem thrown in a blender that still comes out giving up the funk (and no matter style of music Prince is indulging in on any given album, he ALWAYS brings the damn funk). “The Cross” out-Jesuses most Jesus songs. It’s an album that will leave your head spinning and your ass shaking.

I could go on about other albums, because there’s something on each one that I love the shit out of (“Sexy M.F.”, damn…”Pussy Control”, fuck yeah and oh by the way read the words it’s actually a pro-feminist anthem), but you would get bored reading that.

It seems like Prince has always been there. His genius was so massive that he didn’t seem human, but something otherworldly that this planet had never seen before. He sang about God and sex in equal measure, sometimes in the same song. It was heady stuff for a kid who was raised in a Baptist church. Whenever I was dealing with all the guilt that comes with teenage sexuality (particularly those of us who were told in church that sex was a sin), there was Prince singing about fucking his way to divinity. Suddenly, Sunday School was boring. Especially with “D.M.S.R.” playing in your head on repeat.

Prince is the greatest vocalist in the history of popular music. Don’t debate me on this. You will lose. Any list of the greatest guitarists of all time that doesn’t have Prince in the top three is bullshit. He could play any instrument he laid his hands on. There are numerous albums and individual songs that are nothing but Prince, playing and singing everything. I’m trying to wrap this up and I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’ve conveyed how important the man was to me. I was only in the same building with him twice and that was seeing him live. First in Atlanta with Troy Lambert on the “Lovesexy” tour. Second in Evansville with Jeff Kolodey. How was Prince live? Only the best live performer I’ve ever seen. I always hoped I’d get the chance to see him again. That ain’t happening, though, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I’ll never get to see him with my wife. It breaks my heart because it turns out he was human, after all. It breaks my heart that he died, alone, in an elevator. It breaks my heart because the world was better with him in it. At the darkest moments of my life, when I was alone and nobody else was there, when I didn’t know if I should draw another breath, when I was hurting, he was there on my radio, in my cassette player, on my turntable, and in my headphones. He was there when I was happy and life was good. His name was Prince. And he was funky. It was a privilege to exist with him on this planet at the same time.

“Sometimes it snows in April

Sometimes I feel so bad

Sometimes I wish that life was never ending

But all good things they say never last…”

A Message For Fanboys

There is a point on the misogyny spectrum where the nerdiest nerd and fratiest frat boy meet. And that point is represented by the female vagina, which is something that terrifies both of them. Occasionally, something comes along that gets their man-panties in a wad and today, that thing is the new "Ghostbusters." Why? BECAUSE IT'S GIRLS!!! Boys can bust nuts, so they should be the only ones that bust ghosts, too! What is it with you small-peckered, whiny-ass little shits that makes you immediately jump to fantasies of rape and violence against women whenever they step out of the sexual fantasy box that you want to keep them in? If you're reading this and doubt what I'm saying, go to any website that released the "Ghostbusters" trailer today and look at the sometimes pathetic, sometimes terrifying comments these poster boys for arrested development (the condition, not the awesome TV show) spew at the females of our species. Unless I missed something, I don't think all DVD copies of the original disintegrated when they started filming the new one. The movie might be good. It might suck. END OF STORY. The original is a classic and will always be there, so STOP using reboots and remakes as an excuse to be an absolute piece of shit as a human being and attacking women. And please understand, this is coming from a guy who has spent WAY too much time making fun of and taking shots at the "Star Wars" prequels. I never, however, NEVER said that they "raped" my childhood. That would require time travel and a really obnoxiously obsessive desire to rape 10-year-old me. My childhood is fine. The new "Ghostbusters" isn't going to "rape" yours. It's a movie...not the Catholic Church. (rim shot!) And by the way, the ladies who are the new Busters are funnier and more successful than you will ever be (successful AND have vaginas...oooooh scary). Kristen Wiig? Real funny. Melissa McCarthy? Damn funny. Leslie Jones? Goddamn funny. Kate McKinnon? Fucking rockstar funny. So, do me a favor, all of you fanboys who spend all your time railing against any movie, TV show, or video game that isn't dominated by white men...go to the bathroom, rub one out if you have to for focus, slime yourself, then take a good long look in the mirror and really look at yourself for a change and repeat these words until they sink in, "Women don't owe me anything." Because you know what? They don't. Not in the movies. Not in life. Just maybe, though, there are some women that you owe an apology.

The Best Mechanic In All the Land

THE BEST MECHANIC IN ALL THE LAND

A play by Todd Holloman

Act 1, Scene 1

(A diner in western Kentucky...two men are seated at a table drinking coffee)

Abner: Well, I had to take the car* to the shop yesterday, Delbert.

Delbert: Did you now? Take it to our favorite mechanic*?

Abner: Yessiree! You know, I think my favorite thing about him is how much he absolutely hates cars.

Delbert: That's the mark of a good mechanic. Hates cars. Hates his job. But still wants a job fixing cars.

Abner: You said it, pardner! I love how everytime I take my car to him, the first thing he does is get a sledgehammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of it.

Delbert: Hell yeah! And then he whips out a pocket knife and slashes the tires!

Abner: USA! USA! Sorry, but it makes me proud to be an American when he goes to whuppin' up on my vehicle like that! But that's nothing compared to him grabbing his flamethrower and torching that car until it's a burning pile of smoldering rubble.

Delbert: And don't forget how much he praises Jesus while he's burnin' it down.

Abner: Why, it just brings a tear to your eye. When I look at the ash pile that used to be my car, I thank the Lord that my mechanic made it great again.

Delbert: And don't forget, by keepin' that mechanic in business, you're gonna make abortion illegal and keep transexuals from using the bathroom with your kids! Not sure how that works, but he's a good Christian mechanic, so I don't ask any questions. I just keep going back to him again and again.

Abner: Man, it's great being white, ain't it?

Delbert: You said it, brother!

THE END

*for the metaphorically challenged:

car=our government

mechanic=Republican presidential candidate of your choice or Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin

Ted Cruz Campaign Slogans

Snake-oil-made-flesh-turned-lubricious-smarm-monster Ted Cruz won the Iowa caucus, so I took it upon myself to write some new campaign slogans for him (I'm available to freelance for your campaign, too, whether national, state, local, or if your kid is running for student government at the high school):

“Ted Cruz 2016: Cruzing backward to Levitical Law!”

“Jesus wants me to be President! (I'm referring to my 2^nd cousin Jesus Rodriguez, but I'm sure the other Jesus agrees. He hasn't gotten back to me, yet, but any day now...) Cruz 2016!

“Because America needs a leader who isn't afraid to speak the truth about the radicals who are the true enemy: the gays. Ted Cruz 2016!”

“I'll stop the killing of innocents in the Middle East by carpet-bombing them until there's no one left to kill! TED!”

“Yes we can...be even more unlikable and creepy! CRUUUUUZ!”

“I promise to make America a Christian nation, based on the Biblical principles of giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy, taking away food and healthcare from the poor, forcing my beliefs into the law, the classroom, and the vagina, and bringing death and destruction to the rest of the world, just like Jesus did! (...the Son of God Jesus, not my 2^nd cousin Jesus. That guy volunteers occasionally at a soup kitchen. Fucking weirdo.) Vote Cruz!

Collateral Damage

I heard a conservative radio commentator telling a heart-wrenching story about a mass grave of children found in Iraq. The children had been murdered by ISIS. The commentator began an impassioned plea for ISIS to be taken out and wiped off the face of the Earth by the United States. I think anyone with an ounce of humanity left in them would love for ISIS to longer exist. However, the commentator (some people refer to him as "the Great One," including himself, although I am unaware of the source of this greatness) then, in the midst of his diatribe, said, "Who cares if there's collateral damage?!" So, put simply, his argument was: ISIS is killing children, so the Untied States should bomb anywhere ISIS might be back to the stone age even if children get killed in the process. Seems to me, children lose (their lives) either way you go with that argument. Call me crazy, but I bet the mothers and fathers of those children don't give a fuck whether their children were shot by ISIS or blown to bits by America. They would rather their kids still be breathing, I'm sure. But, hey, maybe if a child is blown up in the Middle East by America, a pony rides down out of the clouds on the back of a bald eagle and gives the kid a never-ending bag of cotton candy made out of freedom.