It's More Than Just a Bad Mood, Dammit

   12 years ago my day consisted of an anti-depressant/anti-psychotic medication cocktail, three times a day, and all I did, besides let my dog out every few hours, was sit on my couch, stare at the TV and drool on myself. That's what depression looks like. I spent a few years like that. There was no, "just decide to get over it." Gee, that heart disease is really bringing us all down and making it hard to be around you, what do you say you just get over it? See how ridiculous that sounds?    If there is anything good that can come out of the death of one of my heroes, Robin Williams, it's that maybe, just fucking maybe, a few more people will understand that depression is a disease and not a mood. Everybody has bad days. Everybody gets sad. That's called being human. However, not everyone has clutched a bottle of pills, or put a rope around their necks, or held a razor blade to their wrist, or put a gun to their head and tried to think of ONE REASON to take one more breath and failed. Wake the fuck up. These are not the actions of a rational being. It's a broken mind. Trust me, your brain can break just like a bone. The chemicals in your brain can fuck you up just as much as fluid in your lungs. It's a physical fucking ailment. STOP telling people to cheer up. Listen to them and try to get them to see a doctor.
   If I sound angry, it's because I'm fucking angry. I'm heart broken and goddamn furious. If I could, I would punch Robin Williams in the face and ask him if he understands what this will do to his wife, his children, his friends, and, according to things I'm seeing posted on social media, everybody in the world who was touched by or moved to laughter by one of the myriad creative gifts he gave us. I know what it's like. I've sat with a loaded gun in my mouth and thought that everyone I cared about would be better off if I was dead. I was wrong, of course. In that moment, though...you just want the pain to stop. Depression is a demon that will eat the flesh off your bones and show you a slide show of every bad decision, every humiliation, every hurt, every embarrassment, and every mistake you've ever made while it's eating you alive. It is as ruthless as cancer.
   Performers are a strange lot...comedians in particular. Almost every artist I've ever known, was tortured to some degree( the good ones, anyway ). Most of them get depressed. Sure, we're self-involved. We can be overly dramatic. We like to take our demons out and play with them. Some of us turn them into songs. Some turn them into books. Some paint. Some of us tell jokes about them. An article I read earlier by David Wong said it better than I can, about what makes comedians tick:
   "Every time they make a joke around you, they're doing it because they instinctively and reflexively think that's what they need to do to make you like them. They're afraid that the moment the laughter stops, all that's left is that gross, awkward kid everyone hated on the playground."
   Most of our jokes come from very personal and very painful places. They are a defense mechanism. They are also how we make you like us. It's this whole "push-pull" dynamic. I love it when I'm doing stand-up and I say something that offends and shocks the audience and then whip out a punchline that makes them laugh at something they were just offended by a second ago. I am a disturbed individual. I want to control and play an audience like a piano. I want to make you lose control and laugh, even when you don't want to. For most people, family and friends are enough. Performers need that extra affirmation from complete strangers to feel validated. Why do you think I'm writing this? My fiance', Adrian, is aware of this. She will tell you that I am no day at the beach to live with sometimes. She's a singer and actress, though...so there you go.
   Ask yourself a question: "Do the people that I care about, know that they can come to me if they're depressed, or do they think that I wouldn't take them seriously or call them weak if they did?" We have got to get rid of this notion that depressed people can just snap out of it or that they are weak and just brought this on themselves. You wouldn't scream at a person suffering from a stroke to pull yourself together and to stop doing this to yourself, would you? Let people know you're there. Validate their existence. Let them know that you want and need them to be a part of this fucked up existence. Give somebody a reason to laugh and to keep on breathing. Make sure artists know how their writing, their painting, their singing, their jokes, their performances have affected you and that you appreciate them. We don't perform in a vacuum.
   Robin Williams left behind an amazing body of work. If forced to choose, I'll take "The Fisher King" as the one that speaks to me the most. I can't believe that he's gone. The powerful play will go on without him. Please, don't stop before you've completed YOUR verse. I love you guys.

" You find some wonderful things in the trash." - Parry, from The Fisher King